Eleanor

I pulled into the parking lot at White Marsh and walked up to the door of JC Penney yesterday. A woman and her husband came walking out. I didn't actually see her to notice anything about her but I heard him say, somewhat disheartened, "I really liked those pants." She replied, "I know." And I looked up and saw him. He had a long shaped head with a hat on. But his hair came out of it, short, and it ran past his ears and turned into a beard and moustache that hugged his chin. His hat had a paper bill like a cheap painters hat that had been tie-dyed and in the back his hair fell down past his neck. His socks were pulled up high. His clothes were meager, raddy, old, and outdated as well and all I could think of was that he really liked those pants. And his wife said "I know". And they left, presumably, without them. And it may not have seemed like a big deal to them or anyone else but I saw him. Mostly, in a few months of lacking compassion, I felt it again. A man who made an attachment to pants. Pants that he couldn't have, maybe they didn't have his size or maybe they were too expensive and maybe even his wife thought they were ridiculous. A woman holding his hand without holding hands at all. A man and his wife and her opinion matters. Sometimes, like last night, people express an emotion, just a smile, just a little terrible anger or horror, and I'm floored. To think about people having needs, wants, desires that are good. . .to be loved, to have that union, to want things to work out. . .but even smaller than that. A smile of seeing a friend, the raise of an eyebrow, gesticulations while talking. That stuff blows me away. Like the person going to court who puts his pants on just like me. And I think all sorts of things but I guess one of them is about poor Eleanor, so confused. So confused putting her clothes on one leg at a time. Tieing her shoelaces one shoe at a time. Buckling her belt, picking out what to wear so that she feels good about herself.

I have so much less time to stop. And breathe. And walk slow.