Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
Dream #35245
It was cold but the sun was shining in the morning of my dream last night. Across the lake I saw Chicago before I opened the back driver’s side door of my car and gathered my things. Would I need the scarf? I didn’t think so but I grabbed it anyways and slung it over my shoulder and shoved my gloves into my jacket pocket. One more look around, Chicago again and then to the gravel parking lot where I was standing. The boarding area for the ferry was only about 100 feet away and there didn’t seem to be many people waiting. I went back into the backseat of my car again and grabbed my camera bag and slung it over my shoulder. I made sure nothing else was sitting out in plain view and then locked the car doors and shut them.
Work was still in Baltimore but I made sure not to think about it. I was on vacation and had the day to catch a ferry into the city and head downtown to see if I could find anything surprising or interesting to take pictures of. I was feeling good. I thought about putting on my gloves as I walked to the boarding area and decided not to put them on. The air was brisk and damp and I could see my breath but I felt like it was going to warm up later in the day.
“You lost?” somebody from behind asked as she hurried up alongside me. I wasn’t sure where she’d come from and I hadn’t seen her before. She was shorter than me with an athletic build, dark hair to the middle of her back, and there was something attractive about her but it was difficult to say what it was. She looked about 29 years old. I smiled at her.
“No, I’m not lost,” I said and kept walking to the ferry’s boarding area. I didn’t, however, have any way to tell her where I was going or what I was doing there or even how I’d gotten there to begin with. I didn’t know how she could have decided that I might be lost other than that my license plates were from out of town. I thought, as I often do, that when people surprise me with a question, if the question seems out of place or unexpected in a given situation, that it mostly comes from the asking person’s affiliation needs. ‘She’s lost,’ I thought.
“Are you lost?” I asked.
“No. But I don’t know where I’m going really.”
“Yeah, me either really. Are you from out of town?”
“No. Chicago,” she said smiling and looking at me. I laughed to myself and kept walking with her walking beside me. We got up to the dock and looked at the schedule. I checked my watch. 7:32 AM. The next ferry was picking up at 7:57 AM and so she and I made our way out to the queuing area and sat down on a bench under a Plexiglas shelter. The wood of the bench was damp from the morning dew and I was starting to feel the cold so I dug into my jacket pocket and started pulling my gloves out to put them on.
“So, what are you doing today?” she asked me and smiled and she was attractive still.
“You know, I’m not sure, really. I’m on vacation. I live in Baltimore and I’m here and I was thinking I’d wake up this morning and head downtown and walk around, take a look around, take some pictures. I don’t know, hang out,” I said.
“Are you into photography?” she asked.
“Eh, yeah, whatever, you know? I like taking pictures, that’s about the extent of it. Nothing, uh, you know, nothing crazy. I’ve got some friends who live in the city and I thought I might try to stop by and see them at some point. They don’t know I’m here though, so I don’t know what they’re doing today or what their schedule is like,” I said. She looked at me for a second and then put her hands in her jacket pocket and we both faced forward.
The polite thing would have been to ask her what her plan for the day was but I hadn’t decided whether I wanted to be polite. This person who just walked up and struck up a conversation with me, out of the middle of nowhere, was in the position to totally turn my day upside down if I let her. I’d really only planned on walking around Chicago by myself and I didn’t want anyone getting in the way of that. If I wanted to go see Jeremiah and Terry I didn’t need someone getting in the way of that either. When I’m alone I can do whatever I want. But maybe she was nice. Or normal. I laughed to myself and she heard me and we both turned and looked at each other at the same time and I smiled. “What’s your plan for the day?” I asked.
Just as she was about to answer the ferry appeared and blew its horn and pulled up to the dock and the two of us got on and paid. It felt good to get out of the cold but the windows of the ferry were moist from the condensation issued from the crowd on board. There were no seats available and I made my way to the back of the boat and held on to a pole. My new friend had walked back with me and grabbed hold of the same pole and stood alongside me. I just watched out the window and listened to a couple of conversations people were having above the din of the motor.
“Hi, I’m Kevin, by the way,” I said and stuck my hand out to her and smiled apologetically.
“It’s nice to meet you, Kevin,” she said shaking my hand and smiling wryly. “Do you mind that I just picked you out and started talking to you? Would you rather I had just left you alone?”
I looked at her and said, “No. I don’t mind. I don’t mind at all,” and smiled and she looked at me and smiled and I looked out the window again.
Later that day it was overcast and I was walking to the house. I heard Ryan and Jeremiah and Terry and Adam talking and walking about a block behind me and the girl was with them. ‘I guess they’ll think it’s strange I got so far ahead but whatever,’ I thought as I walked up the wooden steps onto the covered porch of the house and got my keys out. I opened the front door and went in shutting only the storm door. I put my keys on the table and walked into the kitchen and pulled a glass out of the cupboard. Through the window over the sink I could see everyone coming down the sidewalk and I expected to hear everyone coming in any minute now. I filled a glass of water, drank it and set the glass down in the porcelain sink. I walked over to the table and I flipped through the mail, nothing but bills and pizza advertisements. A cat jumped up on the table and rubbed up against me and I made sure not to touch it with my hands. I looked over to the window facing the porch only I didn’t hear anyone. Underneath that window was a couch and I walked over to it and sat down. My phone started vibrating and I looked to see who it was. It was Ryan.
“Hey,” I said answering it.
“Hey, sorry we didn’t come in, we had to go,” he said.
“Yeah, it’s cool man, it’s fine,” I said putting my arm over the back of the couch and looking out the window. The girl was sitting on the front porch steps looking out into the street and appeared to be deep in thought.
“She’s cool, Kev,” he said.
“Oh yeah, you think so?” I asked looking at her through the window.
“I mean, I don’t know. I only met her today but Jeremiah and Terry seemed to really like her. Course, they’re pretty easy to get along with anyways, it’s hard to think that they wouldn’t like her. But she’s cute, she’s athletic, she’s funny.”
“Yeah?” I said looking at her through the window.
Work was still in Baltimore but I made sure not to think about it. I was on vacation and had the day to catch a ferry into the city and head downtown to see if I could find anything surprising or interesting to take pictures of. I was feeling good. I thought about putting on my gloves as I walked to the boarding area and decided not to put them on. The air was brisk and damp and I could see my breath but I felt like it was going to warm up later in the day.
“You lost?” somebody from behind asked as she hurried up alongside me. I wasn’t sure where she’d come from and I hadn’t seen her before. She was shorter than me with an athletic build, dark hair to the middle of her back, and there was something attractive about her but it was difficult to say what it was. She looked about 29 years old. I smiled at her.
“No, I’m not lost,” I said and kept walking to the ferry’s boarding area. I didn’t, however, have any way to tell her where I was going or what I was doing there or even how I’d gotten there to begin with. I didn’t know how she could have decided that I might be lost other than that my license plates were from out of town. I thought, as I often do, that when people surprise me with a question, if the question seems out of place or unexpected in a given situation, that it mostly comes from the asking person’s affiliation needs. ‘She’s lost,’ I thought.
“Are you lost?” I asked.
“No. But I don’t know where I’m going really.”
“Yeah, me either really. Are you from out of town?”
“No. Chicago,” she said smiling and looking at me. I laughed to myself and kept walking with her walking beside me. We got up to the dock and looked at the schedule. I checked my watch. 7:32 AM. The next ferry was picking up at 7:57 AM and so she and I made our way out to the queuing area and sat down on a bench under a Plexiglas shelter. The wood of the bench was damp from the morning dew and I was starting to feel the cold so I dug into my jacket pocket and started pulling my gloves out to put them on.
“So, what are you doing today?” she asked me and smiled and she was attractive still.
“You know, I’m not sure, really. I’m on vacation. I live in Baltimore and I’m here and I was thinking I’d wake up this morning and head downtown and walk around, take a look around, take some pictures. I don’t know, hang out,” I said.
“Are you into photography?” she asked.
“Eh, yeah, whatever, you know? I like taking pictures, that’s about the extent of it. Nothing, uh, you know, nothing crazy. I’ve got some friends who live in the city and I thought I might try to stop by and see them at some point. They don’t know I’m here though, so I don’t know what they’re doing today or what their schedule is like,” I said. She looked at me for a second and then put her hands in her jacket pocket and we both faced forward.
The polite thing would have been to ask her what her plan for the day was but I hadn’t decided whether I wanted to be polite. This person who just walked up and struck up a conversation with me, out of the middle of nowhere, was in the position to totally turn my day upside down if I let her. I’d really only planned on walking around Chicago by myself and I didn’t want anyone getting in the way of that. If I wanted to go see Jeremiah and Terry I didn’t need someone getting in the way of that either. When I’m alone I can do whatever I want. But maybe she was nice. Or normal. I laughed to myself and she heard me and we both turned and looked at each other at the same time and I smiled. “What’s your plan for the day?” I asked.
Just as she was about to answer the ferry appeared and blew its horn and pulled up to the dock and the two of us got on and paid. It felt good to get out of the cold but the windows of the ferry were moist from the condensation issued from the crowd on board. There were no seats available and I made my way to the back of the boat and held on to a pole. My new friend had walked back with me and grabbed hold of the same pole and stood alongside me. I just watched out the window and listened to a couple of conversations people were having above the din of the motor.
“Hi, I’m Kevin, by the way,” I said and stuck my hand out to her and smiled apologetically.
“It’s nice to meet you, Kevin,” she said shaking my hand and smiling wryly. “Do you mind that I just picked you out and started talking to you? Would you rather I had just left you alone?”
I looked at her and said, “No. I don’t mind. I don’t mind at all,” and smiled and she looked at me and smiled and I looked out the window again.
Later that day it was overcast and I was walking to the house. I heard Ryan and Jeremiah and Terry and Adam talking and walking about a block behind me and the girl was with them. ‘I guess they’ll think it’s strange I got so far ahead but whatever,’ I thought as I walked up the wooden steps onto the covered porch of the house and got my keys out. I opened the front door and went in shutting only the storm door. I put my keys on the table and walked into the kitchen and pulled a glass out of the cupboard. Through the window over the sink I could see everyone coming down the sidewalk and I expected to hear everyone coming in any minute now. I filled a glass of water, drank it and set the glass down in the porcelain sink. I walked over to the table and I flipped through the mail, nothing but bills and pizza advertisements. A cat jumped up on the table and rubbed up against me and I made sure not to touch it with my hands. I looked over to the window facing the porch only I didn’t hear anyone. Underneath that window was a couch and I walked over to it and sat down. My phone started vibrating and I looked to see who it was. It was Ryan.
“Hey,” I said answering it.
“Hey, sorry we didn’t come in, we had to go,” he said.
“Yeah, it’s cool man, it’s fine,” I said putting my arm over the back of the couch and looking out the window. The girl was sitting on the front porch steps looking out into the street and appeared to be deep in thought.
“She’s cool, Kev,” he said.
“Oh yeah, you think so?” I asked looking at her through the window.
“I mean, I don’t know. I only met her today but Jeremiah and Terry seemed to really like her. Course, they’re pretty easy to get along with anyways, it’s hard to think that they wouldn’t like her. But she’s cute, she’s athletic, she’s funny.”
“Yeah?” I said looking at her through the window.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Channelling 296 last night
While out last night some unknown person called me, the phone didn't recognize the number. I drunkenly chatted up this girl afterwards and got her phone number which was only 1 digit different from the unknown caller.
as seen on Google
steve-o wife (Poland)
steve-o's wife (St. Louis, Missouri)
http://thecrackup.blogspot.com (South Wales, Australia)(I'm just saying, steve-o)
egyptian musk (Lombardia, Italy)
etymology of "ballhog" (North America)
diane rossini (Blacksburg, Virginia)
steve-o wife (Quebec, Canada)
steve-o's wife (St. Louis, Missouri)
http://thecrackup.blogspot.com (South Wales, Australia)(I'm just saying, steve-o)
egyptian musk (Lombardia, Italy)
etymology of "ballhog" (North America)
diane rossini (Blacksburg, Virginia)
steve-o wife (Quebec, Canada)
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
8 months in text messages
Text messages from Kev:
1/13/06: LOL
1/13/06: This rivals divorce for the worst day ever
1/12/06: Cool.
1/10/2006: Did she call?
1/9/2006: Where are u?
1/9/2006: Good luck
1/7/2006: U coming home soon? Im locked out!
1/3/2006: Im too good for that. Lol
12/31/2005: Yeah bro. Wish u were here.
12/21/2005: Yes, doctor.
12/16/2005: Now home for beer
12/16/2005 All is well that ends well
12/2/2005: I told u not to call her. Lol. Just kidding.
8/17/2005: Do her...jk
8/17/2005: No text yet but im watching lost in translation and it is my life right now
8/4/2005: She loves me, maybe as much as _____. _____s worst fear is coming true. She not the only special one. Ha ha. I deserve a balloon.
7/29/2005: Nice work. no turning back now!
7/26/2005: That is way pa.
7/24/2005: Funny. Sorry. Its never intentional. Besides that was ryan who did it this time.
7/12/2005: Bitch
5/28/2005: Dude. did i get fucked up last night or like, what the fuck happened?
5/24/2005: U up?
5/11/2005: Can i move in by this weekend?
1/13/06: LOL
1/13/06: This rivals divorce for the worst day ever
1/12/06: Cool.
1/10/2006: Did she call?
1/9/2006: Where are u?
1/9/2006: Good luck
1/7/2006: U coming home soon? Im locked out!
1/3/2006: Im too good for that. Lol
12/31/2005: Yeah bro. Wish u were here.
12/21/2005: Yes, doctor.
12/16/2005: Now home for beer
12/16/2005 All is well that ends well
12/2/2005: I told u not to call her. Lol. Just kidding.
8/17/2005: Do her...jk
8/17/2005: No text yet but im watching lost in translation and it is my life right now
8/4/2005: She loves me, maybe as much as _____. _____s worst fear is coming true. She not the only special one. Ha ha. I deserve a balloon.
7/29/2005: Nice work. no turning back now!
7/26/2005: That is way pa.
7/24/2005: Funny. Sorry. Its never intentional. Besides that was ryan who did it this time.
7/12/2005: Bitch
5/28/2005: Dude. did i get fucked up last night or like, what the fuck happened?
5/24/2005: U up?
5/11/2005: Can i move in by this weekend?
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Overheard on Bmore's Busday
"Goddam, this Starbucks be gettin' me HOT, yo! Shit!" - Middle school girl
"Ah watch out now, somebody done somethin' stupid here" - Baltimore's best bus driver just before she started whistling a song that could have been written by hem.
"Maybe if he'd stop givin' it to her he'd break her of that shit real quick." - Lady next to me waiting for the bus on the phone.
"Ah watch out now, somebody done somethin' stupid here" - Baltimore's best bus driver just before she started whistling a song that could have been written by hem.
"Maybe if he'd stop givin' it to her he'd break her of that shit real quick." - Lady next to me waiting for the bus on the phone.
City Jail = Public School?
I really am not sure what to make of this. I might feel a little better if the student to teacher ratio was a little more evident. No free lunch? Graduation rate? How many graduates do you think are clicking on the Classmates.com ad at the top?
Sunday, January 22, 2006
York, PA
Yesterday Jefe and I drove to York, PA and took too many fun shots to post at once.
It's an odd place, York. Working class mostly downtown. Industrial Avenue had little of anything industrial. Then we found Albemarle St. on the south side of town and found some real gems.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Monday, January 16, 2006
Knocked Out of Me
Steve-O's wife and her sister were in town this past week for a trade show and on Thursday night I met up with them. The sister had met a couple of guys from Richmond who had come to the trade show as well, one a writer for Style Weekly. The writer, a young guy, was a whip, a fast thinker with a sharp tongue who kept commenting on the music playing at the bar we had met up at. He made note that he'd written a review of a recent album,
"and I kinda wrote it like this, sorta, how could the album be bad, you know. And then I went into how all the band members were actually [the good members from other bands] and that you'd think if you got that much, you know, that much talent that you ought to come out with a good album. And so the album was good, yeah, ok, whatever but it's not anything like the first one. . ."
Which got me really thinking about this idea, and it was about writing and nothing to do at all with the band or with this guy or. . . I was going to make a point Friday night.
But Thursday night it got late and it was time to go and we all left and I walked with them back in the direction of my car. I walked the ladies to their hotel and wished them well and went on around the corner. And when I got to where my car should have been I realized that it wasn't there at all. So I walked another block, only my car wasn't there either.
One half-hour later a squad car arrived and the officer told me to open the door and sit in the front seat. Another squad car pulled up and the windows came down and the visiting officer asked what was going on and my officer said "stolen vehicle". They both remarked about how odd that was and that "cars just don't get stolen down here". But really we were waiting for a call back from the impound lot to see if it had been towed. My officer had a secret number, different than the one I had which kept me from getting through. The visiting officer at one point said,
"God I hate this job. Every day that goes by I hate this job more, I swear to God."
"You guys have a tough job," I said knowing that a lousy call to the impound lot isn't necessarily in anyone's job description.
"It's not the streets. The streets are easy to deal with it's the administration."
The rest of that conversation. . .
So, my officer was very kind and drove me home once we found out that my car had been towed. He told me about his children and his wife and the hours that he works (spending nearly 48 hrs straight with next to no sleep), that he coaches his daughter's soccer team, takes his children to school, picks them up, helps them with their homework. He told me his oldest daughter is amazing, "She's amazing, just amazing. Everything that girl touches turns to gold, I'm not kidding. She's in all GT classes and getting straight A's. Just brilliant." His son had been throwing up for 2 weeks straight with some kind of stomach bug and he had just taken him to the doctor that afternoon before work. I got home at 1:45AM.
When I got into work I cleared up some issues that were pressing for the day and then set about to calling the impound lot who noted they wouldn't release the car until the Parking Fines Division let them know how much I owed in parking tickets. They can flag your car to be towed at any point in time once you have received 3 parking tickets. I had paid one of the 3 already but it was never removed and has continued to accrue charges. When you call the Parking Fines Division you typically have to wait 15-20 minutes before you get through to anyone and so I just hadn't had the pluck to contest it. Until Friday that is. When everything was looked through and the confirmation numbers were verified they admitted that they "towed the car in error". I pointed out that I shouldn't then have to pay the $195 towing fee and they agreed. Just because we agreed though didn't mean I wouldn't have to pay. I had to pay the total $468 and file a complaint with the States attorney if I wanted my car that day.
At the impound lot there was a woman who was sobbing. The tow truck driver had lifted her car up onto the bed of the truck when it came loose of the chains and crashed back to the ground totalling it. She was a little bit upset and by this time I was getting pretty tired of the whole ordeal. My car, when I got it, appeared to be in the same condition, more or less, as when I had left it and for that I was grateful. I was on my way back to the office and smoking my first cigarette of the day (Friday the 13th, not a good day to quit) when I pulled up at a stop light. And that's when it happened: a loud bang, my body against the seatbelt, my jaw clapping shut, and the idea I had about writing the night before knocked completely out of me.
The woman who crashed into the back of me got out of her car rather frantically apologizing while I sat in my car and put my head in my hands and closed my eyes and started laughing. When I did get out of the car I said nothing. She told me she was having a medical emergency and that she was sorry and I said nothing. We looked at the cars and neither actually LOOKED damaged (which she pointed out to me 2x) and then I stood and stared at her. I honestly couldn't think of a single thing to say and all I could notice was that she looked panicked and that she was certainly hoping we weren't reporting this. And then I hugged her and told her I hoped her day got better and got back into the car and instead of going back to the office I went home. What was that I was going to write about writing?
"and I kinda wrote it like this, sorta, how could the album be bad, you know. And then I went into how all the band members were actually [the good members from other bands] and that you'd think if you got that much, you know, that much talent that you ought to come out with a good album. And so the album was good, yeah, ok, whatever but it's not anything like the first one. . ."
Which got me really thinking about this idea, and it was about writing and nothing to do at all with the band or with this guy or. . . I was going to make a point Friday night.
But Thursday night it got late and it was time to go and we all left and I walked with them back in the direction of my car. I walked the ladies to their hotel and wished them well and went on around the corner. And when I got to where my car should have been I realized that it wasn't there at all. So I walked another block, only my car wasn't there either.
One half-hour later a squad car arrived and the officer told me to open the door and sit in the front seat. Another squad car pulled up and the windows came down and the visiting officer asked what was going on and my officer said "stolen vehicle". They both remarked about how odd that was and that "cars just don't get stolen down here". But really we were waiting for a call back from the impound lot to see if it had been towed. My officer had a secret number, different than the one I had which kept me from getting through. The visiting officer at one point said,
"God I hate this job. Every day that goes by I hate this job more, I swear to God."
"You guys have a tough job," I said knowing that a lousy call to the impound lot isn't necessarily in anyone's job description.
"It's not the streets. The streets are easy to deal with it's the administration."
The rest of that conversation. . .
So, my officer was very kind and drove me home once we found out that my car had been towed. He told me about his children and his wife and the hours that he works (spending nearly 48 hrs straight with next to no sleep), that he coaches his daughter's soccer team, takes his children to school, picks them up, helps them with their homework. He told me his oldest daughter is amazing, "She's amazing, just amazing. Everything that girl touches turns to gold, I'm not kidding. She's in all GT classes and getting straight A's. Just brilliant." His son had been throwing up for 2 weeks straight with some kind of stomach bug and he had just taken him to the doctor that afternoon before work. I got home at 1:45AM.
When I got into work I cleared up some issues that were pressing for the day and then set about to calling the impound lot who noted they wouldn't release the car until the Parking Fines Division let them know how much I owed in parking tickets. They can flag your car to be towed at any point in time once you have received 3 parking tickets. I had paid one of the 3 already but it was never removed and has continued to accrue charges. When you call the Parking Fines Division you typically have to wait 15-20 minutes before you get through to anyone and so I just hadn't had the pluck to contest it. Until Friday that is. When everything was looked through and the confirmation numbers were verified they admitted that they "towed the car in error". I pointed out that I shouldn't then have to pay the $195 towing fee and they agreed. Just because we agreed though didn't mean I wouldn't have to pay. I had to pay the total $468 and file a complaint with the States attorney if I wanted my car that day.
At the impound lot there was a woman who was sobbing. The tow truck driver had lifted her car up onto the bed of the truck when it came loose of the chains and crashed back to the ground totalling it. She was a little bit upset and by this time I was getting pretty tired of the whole ordeal. My car, when I got it, appeared to be in the same condition, more or less, as when I had left it and for that I was grateful. I was on my way back to the office and smoking my first cigarette of the day (Friday the 13th, not a good day to quit) when I pulled up at a stop light. And that's when it happened: a loud bang, my body against the seatbelt, my jaw clapping shut, and the idea I had about writing the night before knocked completely out of me.
The woman who crashed into the back of me got out of her car rather frantically apologizing while I sat in my car and put my head in my hands and closed my eyes and started laughing. When I did get out of the car I said nothing. She told me she was having a medical emergency and that she was sorry and I said nothing. We looked at the cars and neither actually LOOKED damaged (which she pointed out to me 2x) and then I stood and stared at her. I honestly couldn't think of a single thing to say and all I could notice was that she looked panicked and that she was certainly hoping we weren't reporting this. And then I hugged her and told her I hoped her day got better and got back into the car and instead of going back to the office I went home. What was that I was going to write about writing?
Saturday, January 14, 2006
It's gonna be a GIRL!
I wanted to let all y'all know that the sono went smoothly. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. We were both so nervous. I actually thought I might throw up beforehand. Finally now we can truly breathe, relax and more enjoy the rest of the pregnancy.
Sunday, January 8, 2006
Looking In
Searching around for an interesting Foucault site I came across this site which led me to find an open journal issue of Surveillance and Society. The articles are seperate PDFs. Interesting read if you have the time. At Foucault.info/weblog you'll also find the November 05 issue of Foucault Studies for more directly Foucaulvian discourse.
The Shadow
On Saturday when the woman told me she saw my shadow I chuckled to myself and thought of Carl Jung. Wikipedia:
The shadow
The shadow is an unconscious complex that is defined as the diametrical opposite of the conscious self, the ego. The shadow represents everything that the conscious person does not wish to acknowledge within themselves. For instance, someone who identifies as being kind has a shadow that is harsh or unkind. Conversely, an individual who is brutal has a kind shadow. The shadow of persons who are convinced that they are ugly appears to be beautiful.
The shadow is not necessarily good or bad. It simply counterbalances some of the one-sided dimensions of our personality. Jung emphasized the importance of being aware of shadow material and incorporating it into conscious awareness. Otherwise we project these attributes onto others.
Contemporary examples include religious zealots who project their own hatred onto other religions or groups, accusing them of the very thing that they are unable to accept within themselves. Another potent example of shadow projection is seeing in another person, with whom one is infatuated, good and wonderful qualities that one refuses to see in oneself. To gain access and awareness of one's shadow, one should carefully consider those qualities in another that repulse or disgust oneself. This can allow access to the underdeveloped aspects of personality that represent the shadow.
The shadow in dreams is often represented by dark figures of the same gender as the dreamer, such as gangsters or prostitutes or beggars or liars.
The shadow
The shadow is an unconscious complex that is defined as the diametrical opposite of the conscious self, the ego. The shadow represents everything that the conscious person does not wish to acknowledge within themselves. For instance, someone who identifies as being kind has a shadow that is harsh or unkind. Conversely, an individual who is brutal has a kind shadow. The shadow of persons who are convinced that they are ugly appears to be beautiful.
The shadow is not necessarily good or bad. It simply counterbalances some of the one-sided dimensions of our personality. Jung emphasized the importance of being aware of shadow material and incorporating it into conscious awareness. Otherwise we project these attributes onto others.
Contemporary examples include religious zealots who project their own hatred onto other religions or groups, accusing them of the very thing that they are unable to accept within themselves. Another potent example of shadow projection is seeing in another person, with whom one is infatuated, good and wonderful qualities that one refuses to see in oneself. To gain access and awareness of one's shadow, one should carefully consider those qualities in another that repulse or disgust oneself. This can allow access to the underdeveloped aspects of personality that represent the shadow.
The shadow in dreams is often represented by dark figures of the same gender as the dreamer, such as gangsters or prostitutes or beggars or liars.
Egyptian Musk
Friday I stepped onto the elevator at work with a 60ish African American woman with distinguished wrinkles and a peacoat and hat.
"Are you wearing Egyptian Musk?" I asked.
"Yes I am. Does your wife wear it?" she responded.
"No," I smiled. No need to explain. "But I wish she did, I love it."
"I mix mine with lavender and rose. I think it smells very nice."
"I think so too."
"Are you wearing Egyptian Musk?" I asked.
"Yes I am. Does your wife wear it?" she responded.
"No," I smiled. No need to explain. "But I wish she did, I love it."
"I mix mine with lavender and rose. I think it smells very nice."
"I think so too."
My Circular Life
A relatively new friend of mine and I had decided to hang out last night after she got off of work. We only really became friends of circumstance, having very little in common, other than that our respective significant others at the time she and I met were sleeping together in a hotel room, both thinking that neither of us had any clue what was going on. "I'm thinking food and drinks," she wrote me.
"Sounds good," I wrote back.
She called me as she was about to get off of work and told me that she would be getting home around 10:00 PM and that we ought to meet at a restaurant near her home. I agreed and waited for her to call me, letting me know she was home. At about 10:30 the phone rang.
"Kevin, will you do me the biggest favor? I swear I'll make it up to you," she asked.
"You wanna reschedule?" I asked.
"No. O my God, I'm the biggest douchebag. I'm at DSW and I lost my keys."
"You lost your keys? Where?"
"I don't know, I looked all over the parking lot and all over the store and I can't find them anywhere. Do you think you can pick me up? I'm such a douchebag." Self-deprecating remarks are an integral part of her lexicon. Once she told me that she would be able to get into her house by climbing through the window and that she had spare keys at her home I told her I'd be over to pick her up and to make sure that she waited in a well lit part of the parking lot. "I'm such an idiot."
"You're fine, dont worry about it."
I drove out to the shopping center she was at (about 15 minutes away) excited at the unexpected change of plans. I've been bored to tears lately. Too much waking up, going to work, coming home, watching tv and going to bed. I was finally getting out of the house.
When I picked her up there was more of the 'douchebag' rumination and I tried to convince her it was really no big deal, that it was just a bump in the road (if that) and that it was nice to just get out of the house. To make her feel better I told her about using up all of my AAA Locksmith benefits in the month before I left my wife. In one month I locked my keys in my car 4 times resulting in a letter of admonishment from AAA and a revoking of my privileges. It didn't matter to them that my mind was elsewhere about 98% of the time that month, wandering through bars and liquor soaked jeers looking for the woman who disappeared the weeks before I got married.
We got to her place and she climbed the fence in her backyard and through the window, changed from her work clothes and came back out and we drove on the restaurant. We had a pretty good time and for the first time we did not discuss our ex-es. Instead we were friends.
This morning I woke up and walked to the farmers market around the corner from my home. The farmers market under I-83 has been closed down for some months for the winter season and this one should have been too. There were only a few stands open, selling mostly bread boulles and jams, pestos and soaps. Only two or three tables sold herbs and vegetables and I really hadn't thought a bit about what I would have liked to buy anyways. I bought a cup of coffee for $1.75 and walked back home. The coffee was good and when I came back home I decided to look for an Indian or Asian grocery store to beef up my collection of spices (which consists of black pepper). When I looked online I found this one which appeared to be right around the corner, more or less, from where I live so I went walking in the direction I thought it was. 2 miles later and a fair amount of "Hello"'s and "How you feel?"'s later I walked in the front door of the store in the picture above. It really is just right around the corner from me and I had walked in a pretty large circle only to come back to where I had begun, across the street from the farmer's market, but the walk was nice and I had a chance to smile and greet some unusually friendly people and get a little exercise along the way. One lady I had come up behind was walking slowly through a small neighborhood with a large Catholic drug rehabilitation center which sent me an invitation to their open house last Thursday. She turned and looked at me in alarm as I tried to pass her. I smiled and said hello.
"I saw your shadow," she said.
"Yeah," I said and smiled again and walked on by.
The grocery store itself was not like what I would have expected. Very few vegetables or produce outside of yucca root, ginger and bananas. I did, however, buy a large tub of green curry paste, 5 lbs of Jasmine rice, a large jar of Hot Jamaican Curry, a can of coconut milk, a piece of ginger root, and 1/2 lb of rice noodles for $12.
A man with dreadlocks selling incense and oils on the corner gave me 20 sticks of Egyptian Musk for $2 and I walked home. I got to the door and noticed I'd locked my keys in the apartment.
Friday, January 6, 2006
Monday, January 2, 2006
In with the New (or out with the Old)
I had a great New Years Eve. I had the pleasure of making Jefe laugh for more than a few minutes at the comment you made, Germ, about "Ryan would agree with me, every once in a while Kevin needs a little bit of Kevin back." You stumped me at my own game, to my enjoyment, I've always liked that about you. It's the truth that I've never laughed harder than in the year 2005. For me, that is a great joy. The distance between comedy and tragedy has always been a hair's width.Since the divorce I've been contemplating completely scrapping the story I've been telling. I think the task of dismantling any more is better left alone or to other more deserving people. For now, there is today.
Some weeks ago I came across this site and submitted the blog hoping to get a good laugh out of it. Make sure to stop by and thank the good gals for a shitload of traffic and good times reading all of the commentors abuse. It's fun. Make sure to note we got one smack for (Super)Monkey Man. Now that's good times. You guys will understand the review is not the reason for my making some changes. And that it doesn't matter, really, what anybody thinks. Now. . .
Sunday, January 1, 2006
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