["Oh, I don't know, I'm a little worried," she said setting her fork down, pointedly, on her plate next to the key lime pie, and then sat against the backrest of the booth with that way about her that made you feel as though she thought she had to justify her position.
"Worried about what?"
"Worried that I can be anyone I want to anybody. That I can be so good at knowing what people want from me, and then be it."
"That's not necessarily such a bad thing. You'll see. It's how you use it. I mean, you wouldn't want to not be true to yourself or to forget who you are but I think that, knowing who you are being the key to it all, it can be pretty great. You're gonna be just fine."
"I definitely know who I am but it feels empty to just give people what they want."
"Not if you're doing it from a place where you still keep and know who you are. I think I spent a long time doing what other people wanted, obeying the rules and behaving myself, and I spent a good portion separating 'doing for others' and 'doing for myself'. I took care of my parents, in a way, and at the same time, when I was done doing that, then there was the time for me; my time to do what I wanted, to do things my way. But those were always separate, you know? It took me a long time to realize that I kept those things separate. Now I don't mind so much, giving to others when I can. Even better, and this is what I'm getting at, is giving to others in a way that incorporates myself. It's sort of what you were talking about earlier about doing things with that feeling of purposefulness, or doing things with purpose, I guess. When you can. . .and I can't do it all the time. . .when I'm doing things with intention, is when I'm most happy. When you find yourself getting that empty feeling, as though you're just performing a job and saving your time for later, then it's time to pay attention. . .and stop for a minute when you're feeling empty and think about what you're doing."
She sat there for a moment and then sat up and picked up her fork and took a bite of her key lime pie and sat back again against the backrest of the booth, chewing, and when she finished she said, "You and I need to be careful not to just 'do' for each other, Kevin. We really do. If we're both so good at giving people what they want then we need to watch out that we don't do that to each other."
"There are so many very good reasons for both of us to be careful with each other, and that is certainly one of them."
"I lied to get you to hang out with me. I can't believe I'm sitting here telling you that I lied. Well, I didn't really lie but I found a reason to call you, and it was a reason that I didn't really have," she said, explaining what was obvious to me; something which she somehow hadn't thought would be obvious to me. "There was this one guy," she said, "who was interested in me, and I was interested in him, briefly. We sort of dated and then I stopped liking him. We lost touch and a couple of years later one of his friends told me that the guy was completely destroyed over it. I had no idea."
"Is that what you're worried about?"
"I'm worried that all I know is how not to have a relationship. But that first beginning of things? That is what I live for. It's really kind of pathetic."
"I don't know. I wouldn't worry too much about it," I said. "You'll see. Everything turns out just fine in the end, I promise," I said nodding my head to her. "Besides, we're just sitting here drinking coffee and sharing dessert."]
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